Who am I?

If you're reading this you probably don't know me. Or maybe you don't know me as well as you think. I've felt for a long time that people don't actually see me. I can't control who you think I am. But I can tell you. And when people tell you who they are, you should believe them.

I am an imperfect artistic expression self-creating the best I know how. I am white, able-bodied, financially advantaged, and living on native land whose history I am only marginally aware of. I was assigned male at birth, but I've never felt like a man. I'm non-binary. I'm pansexual. I'm queer. I'm a writer, a technologist, a teacher, a singer. I'm trans, an animist, and a witch. I'm submissive by nature. (If it made sense to others I'd say that my gender is submissive.) I'm autistic, depressed, anxious, and medicated. I'm a type 2 diabetic. I'm fat and I'm sexy and I'm fun in bed. I'm not very interested in organized sports but I love board games and card games and table-top rpgs.

I could go on, but honestly I am really uncomfortable talking about myself at any length. That may contribute to why I feel folks don't actually see me. But I was bullied and picked on and abused my entire childhood, so drawing attention to myself isn't generally in my wheel-house.

I used to write a lot, but it's been much harder the last 10 years or so. I think I got the idea in my head somewhere that nobody wants or needs to hear from me. Everything I have to say has been said better by someone else already.

I'm trying to work through that. But it's really difficult.

People have told me that I'm standoffish. I think they think that because I'm big and vaguely masculine. But in reality I'm shy. It takes me time to get to know people and feel safe around them.

I want to see the world change. I want it to be better. I'm trying to be the best version of myself I can be, and some days I feel pretty good about how that turns out.